Answers

First three were Orange, HSBC and Scottish Power. Fourth was Laithwaites Wine. Interesting comments on how good First Direct are, considering that they're actually owned by HSBC!

ps can anyone confirm whether the rumour I keep hearing about schools not allowing pupils to bring in the cardboard tubes from toilet rolls for craft lessons is actually true or just an urban myth?

Bits and Bobs

Sorry I've not posted for a bit. Busy, busy and all that. Here's a few random musings.

The BBC reports today that there were 87 000 incidents of racism recorded in schools between 2007 and 2011.
Firstly why can't they adopt a standard unit of recording data (eg per year) rather than try and impress us with a big number?
Secondly, we are absolutely obsessed with racism in schools. Any incident perceived by the victim or some random passer by to be in the slightest bit racist is duly recorded in a book. This of course leads to ridiculous situations where I call you 'carrot head' and you respond by calling me 'chocolate face'.

Only one of us will be in trouble here and it ain't me.


Stephen Twigg, the Shadow Education Secretary has called for Comprehensive Schools to teach their kids how to speak to people both in interviews and in public. This is an excellent idea, which has been suggested many times before. The gulf between how state and private school pupils speak to an adult is enormous and we should do anything we can do to catch up. It would be far more useful than learning about myths in RE or political correctness in PSE.


The CBI (which speaks on behalf of businesses in the UK) has once again criticised the GCSE for not preparing pupils for future employment and propose just having an exam at 18 (which will be the school leaving age by 2015- this bombshell has fallen out of the news recently). They usually also have a story about an employee who takes on someone with five GCSEs and then has to teach them basic Maths and English. (Does this surprise anyone any more?)

They have a good point though, as schools have been failing miserably for two or three decades to turn out kids who are ready for work.


Finally, I phoned up four companies yesterday and three of them greeted me with an awful automated voice which invited me to select from some options. The voice then asked me to select from some more, speak my reference number (which they could not recognise) and then played me some music which I did not want to listen to, told me how important my call was and about the unusually high call volumes that they are always experiencing. After a few minutes I was put through to a human who also appeared to be automated.

She asked for my reference number again and then announced that she couldn't help me, as she could only read out the options given to her by the computer. As she was obviously flummoxed by anything unusual, I asked to be put through to her manager and she informed me that he would only say the same. Bravely resisting the temptation to get sidetracked and ask how she knew this, I begged her instead to give him the opportunity to do so and was promptly put on hold. Several minutes and three songs later I gave up and put the phone down.

When I phoned the fourth one, a cheerful bloke answered the phone, told me he didn't need any reference numbers as he could just look up my name and sorted out my non-standard request in less than a minute. He said that he would confirm what we had agreed by email straight away (And he did).

Feel free to suggest the identities of the first three and the final company.

Post Office Savings Account

Last week I ventured back into the Dark Ages when I decided to close my Internet Savings Account with the Post Office because they were unable to give me a decent interest rate. (They offer a good rate to new customers but cannot transfer existing ones onto it for reasons that completely baffled me.)

So I phoned them up, went through all the security verification to prove who I was before being told that I needed to write to them in order to close the account, as they needed to compare my signature with the one they had on record. I protested that I was only asking them to transfer the funds into my nominated bank account (that they already had the details of), but soon discovered that I was wrestling with fog.

I gave up and sent them a letter. Yesterday I received a reply which asked me to send another copy of my signature because they did not after all, have the original one (that I used to open the account) on file.

I have duly complied with their request, but my brain hurts from puzzling over what exactly they intend to compare with what.

Ofsted no-notice Inspections

The Government has now abandoned the idea that Ofsted should just turn up and see what really goes on in schools and will instead make them give advance warning of a visit. This should enable the school to put on a complete charade and pull the wool over their eyes. Advance notice also gives the teachers time to worry themselves to death whilst planning lessons that are nothing like the ones they would normally teach.

Thank God! The last thing I want is somebody else claiming to give you the inside line on what really goes on in schools today.

PE

When I read that a study for the Women's Sport and Fitness Foundation had concluded that girls don't like PE, my first thought was-

I wonder if there is a Men's Sport and Fitness Foundation?

Of course there isn't, but there is a debate about the value and purpose of PE in schools going on.

Now this is something we can argue until the cows come home.(Which judging by the size of some of the kids and staff at my local school, happens each day at 3.30pm).

So what should the purpose of School PE actually be?

Should it try and encourage pupils to lead active healthy lifestyles when they become adults?
Should it try and give the kids experience of as many different sports as possible?
Is it about letting them experience Teamwork, obeying the referee and learning the value of competition?
Or should it simply be an opportunity for the bigger pupils to bully the smaller ones?

No Shows and No Goes

It doesn't surprise me at all to hear that when offered jobs, seven people didn't even bother turning up on the first day. It just shows that they have paid attention in school, when we taught them over and over again that there are no consequences to their actions, that they are the most important people in the World and they can do whatever they want.
 http://www.metro.co.uk/news/897439-firm-hires-7-people-who-dont-turn-up-because-its-wet-and-theyre-tired

What does surprise me however is that Trunki, the company who make those brightly coloured suitcases that children can sit on and cause chaos at the airport, are bringing production back to Plymouth from China due to rising production costs over there combined with an increase in shipping costs due to the high price of oil.

Dock Benefits for Truancy

Behaviour tsar Charles Taylor (what a title!) has just finished reading my book and learnt that nobody gives a monkey's about Penalty Notices which are issued to the parents of children who truant. (Only half of those issued have ever been paid). http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-17705238

He therefore put on a stern face and suggested that maybe if parents can't be bothered to send their kids to school then we should take the fine out of their Benefits payments. (I'm not sure what the plan is for those who have a parent earning over £60 000, ie not eligible for child benefit). The NUT oppose the move, but don't offer any alternative solution. I'd make the parent attend school for a week alongside their child, so that they could see what the teacher has to put up with.

Maybe next week they will realise that nobody bothers doing Community Service either.

Learner Bites

I get quite a lot of email from this blog. Not because I'm any good, but simply because I have no idea how to filter spam.

Some urgently require my place of birth and mother's maiden name, whilst others offer to increase the size of my whatsit. Others wish to sell me an IPad for $50 and introduce me to girls from the Ukraine who cannot spell. I am proud to have won the Nigerian State Lottery 134 times.

The worst however tend to be from student teachers who would like me to read through a thousand words of unremitting tedium that they have written on 'Modern Learning Methods' or some other such guff. They invariably beg me to publish it on here, presumably to help those of you who suffer from insomnia.

Today's offering was about a resources website. There are dozens of these and I was about to delete it when I noticed that the sender claimed to be only 15. Now as a rule, emails I get from younger people tend to be quite good. They are often insightful, they usually like my book and they invariably make the perfectly valid point that "we're not all like the kids you teach".

James Dowen has written a website called Learner Bites which aims to be a 'one stop shop' for everything educational. He is making a good go of it and the site is a damn sight better than anything I could come up with nowadays- never mind at 15. Whilst there's lots of competition in this area, the market always has space for someone young and innovative who can offer a better product. The lad obviously has something about him, so I've given his site a mention and I wish him the best of luck (even though he has not sent me any money).

North Korea Rocket

Poor Kim Jong-un, seen here reacting with alarm after being told that dinner will be late

And here he is in happier times, receiving a new pet or possibly admiring tomorrow's lunch.

Have a listen to the song below, composed by his father, the recently departed Dear Leader back in 1985.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBgMeunuviE

Inspector Gadget and Sophie Khan

The latest celebrity pairing, police blogger Inspector Gadget and Sophie Khan, a solicitor-advocate, (whatever that is), are having a bit of a falling out in true Hollywood fashion.

On 7th April Sophie tweeted:

'Met Police aren't just racist while on duty, they're racist off duty too. They're members of BNP scum'

Gadget wasn't too pleased about this (I think he was offended by her terrible English) so he encouraged his readers to complain to her employers, GT Stewart, who wrote a disclaimer on their website and she deleted the tweet.

Personally, I think that their relationship might be on the rocks because she looks jolly cross with him in this photo.


Anyway, in round two Gadget's readers have started complaining en masse to the Solicitors Regulation Authority and in return she's now trying to 'out' him (presumably this means revealing his identity rather than getting him to admit that he cavorts with other men). Dan Collins, publisher of Gadget's Book is offering to spill the beans for £50 000 and in the spirit of David Cameron's "We're all in this together", I'm willing to undercut him at £47 500.

I do hope she decides to try and find out who I am, as I could really use the money. (To avoid paying any tax on it, I plan to donate the whole lot to my charity which helps middle class Brits buy ski chalets in the Alps)

Summer Hols

Schools in Nottingham may be moving to a shorter Summer Break, four weeks instead of six. Obviously the teachers aren't happy.

It's completely taboo to say this, but I don't mind admitting that one of the reasons I went into teaching was for the long holidays. I always made the most of them and thoroughly enjoyed every minute, regardless of whether I had any money or not. They are a huge perk of the job.

Unfortunately the idea of a six week summer holiday is bonkers. Many teachers and pupils simply get bored during them and it creates huge childcare problems for parents. It's equally mad that University students have three months off in the summer.

However if you cut the holidays without any increase in salary, you make the job even more unattractive.

Well I go away and look what happens?

The Government decides that teachers don't need a staffroom. Who in their right mind would take a job in a school that doesn't have a place where you can escape the madness and mayhem? Where you can enjoy a cup of tea in a dirty cup, whilst moaning about Kyle, Royce and Duane? I was supposed to be saying this on Radio 4s Today programme on Thursday morning but due to my own incompetence, I can't make it.

The Government also wants to introduce different rates of pay for teachers in different parts of the country. The NUT doesn't like this idea.

I'd go much further and allow all schools to pay their teachers whatever the hell they like and let the market set the rate, just as it does for plumbers, lawyers, hairdressers and accountants. Why not pay the better ones more than the rubbish? It's simply a case of giving the schools enough money. If we gave the worst schools a big wedge of cash to attract better staff, then we would see far more improvement than from all the endless new 'initiatives to raise achievement' and for a fraction of the cost.

Funding Circle

Does anybody have any experience of Funding Circle?

Assumptions

A poll of 3000 teachers run by the parenting club website bounty.com revealed that roughly half of teachers make assumptions about children based upon their first names. Their judgements are shown below and are pretty accurate. (Read my books for a description of the game Top Set- Bottom Set)

Naughty Boys                                Naughty Girls

1. Callum                                       Chelsea

2. Connor                                       Courtney

3. Jack                                           Chardonnay

4. Daniel                                         Aleisha

5. Brandon                                      Casey

6. Charlie                                        Crystal

7. Kyle                                            Jessica

8. Liam                                            Brooke

9. Jake                                             Demi

10. Brooklyn                                   Aisha

It's interesting to note that 8 out of 20 bad kids' names begin with a 'c'

Now we move on to children assumed by teachers to be clever

Boys                                                         Girls

1. Alexander                                             Elizabeth

2. Adam                                                   Charlotte

3. Christopher                                           Emma

4. Benjamin                                               Hannah

5. Edward                                                  Rebecca

6. Matthew                                                Abigail

7. Daniel                                                    Grace

8. James                                                     Alice

9. Harry                                                      Anna

10. William                                                 Sophie

Pretty accurate, I'd say.
Please do not write in to say that your daughter Aisha is very well behaved, as I do not want to know. Buy a book on statistics instead.

Kristy Bamu

Could the murder of Kristy Bamu have been prevented?
Yes, quite easily if our leaders had the slightest interest in regulating who comes into our Country.

Fraudulent Applications and Catchment Areas

Nottinghamshire headmaster Rob Mc Donough is advising the Government on how to stop parents making fraudulent applications to get their children into better schools that they do not actually live in the catchment area for.

It is an excellent example of Darwinian selection. The more a parent cares about their offspring, the greater the lengths they will go to in order to make sure that they get into a decent school. The child of such parents is likely to be similarly keen and entrepreneurial. A school with a bit more vision would adopt a policy of only taking pupils whose parents they suspected of lying and cheating on their application.

Finally, RIP David Rathband.

Solar Power Feed-in Tariff

Watching my neighbour's roof turn blue, I briefly wondered just what industry the solar power feed-in tariff is supposed to kick start. The panels are made in China, as are all the electrical bits such as the control panel and inverter (if they aren't then he is paying too much for them). The company installing the panels is British and the men up the ladders were presumably local roofers or aerial installers before they saw the light.

Would it not have been cheaper to just send them all a cheque for a few thousand quid and let them go back to their old jobs?

Denise Milani

Thank goodness that despite cuts to front line Public Services, there is still money for initiatives such as Denise Milani's poetry competition to celebrate International Women's Day.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2102840/Ere-Sarge-rhymes-gender-sensitivity-Incredulity-Yard-politically-correct-poetry-contest.html

Unfortunately this is only open to police officers in the Met, but I'm sure that somewhere in teaching there will be a similar position (and I shall certainly be applying for it).

Denise is paid around £75 000 per year as Director of Diversity (ie to be black and female). Now to be fair, she has fulfilled all the criteria on her job description- she hasn't done a Michael Jackson and painted herself white, not does she appear to have become a man, so we cannot fault her there. You may however be wondering whether there is a job that pays you to be a white male and sit around all day coming up with mad ideas- if so, drop Fred Goodwin an email.

What does bother me though is that whenever I find myself thinking
"Great! This is the maddest thing yet", something immediately comes along and beats it hands down.

Word Education Games

The World Education Games take place 6-8th March 2012. Here's a link to their site.

http://www.worldeducationgames.com/ so you can see what it's all about. There's a video here where members of the public are unable to answer some very simple questions.

http://www.broadcastexchange.tv/live/are-you-smarter-than-a-10yearold

If you have any bright sparks in your class then get them to have a go. Your Head might be pleased with you if somebody won a medal. When the kids ask you if there's any decent prizes, just blather something about the Olympics.

By the way if you have any seriously bright kids then you might want to look at the British Maths Olympiad http://www.bmoc.maths.org/
which is a qualifier for the International Maths Olympiad.
http://www.imo-official.org/  (North Korea has been disqualified twice for cheating)

Knowsley Schools

Astonishing discoveries have been reported from that centre of cutting edge research- Knowsley in Merseyside.

1) Spending £157 million on new buildings does not guarantee improvements. Knowsley now has one of the lowest pass rates at GCSE in the Country.

2) Renaming the schools 'Centres for Learning' and the teachers 'Performance leaders' doesn't help much either, but gives the rest of us some amusement. Amazingly, the idea of calling the classrooms 'Warehouses' and having 'Democratised Spaces' didn't have the Head of Eton banging on the door looking for tips.

3) Keen to make capital out of this foolishness from the previous Government, Michael Gove declared that:

"Children in Knowsley suffer from some of the worst educational outcomes in the Country." 

Educational Outcomes!?! Didn't these used to be called 'results'. He has clearly picked up a bout of the same disease.

Anyone from Knowsley should feel free to comment. (After all, the schools might have been even worse before all this money was spent).

There's obviously a theme going on here as their local Safari Park advertises itself as the 'Best loved' one in Britain- I'm not quite sure what that means either.

Facebook and Shouting

I keep telling you- be careful with Facebook. That Zuckerberg fellow will get you all fired.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-16929442


Also a study carried out by the Centre for Evaluation and Monitoring (Fruits) at Durham University has decided that kids who shout out in lessons do better in exams. Their Director of Somethingmad, Dr Christine Merrell wants to see see how these pains can be encouraged to shout out as part of the lesson, whereas I just want to give them a smack.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-16836497

Why not write to her and volunteer a teacher you don't like to take part in this important research?

Boris and Facebook

Boris Johnson asked today why we can't manage to create an internet business like Facebook?


He suggested that young people lacked the necessary single-minded ambition and also blamed our society's reluctance to praise success.


Now unfortunately you are going to have to read my tuppence worth before deciding on your own reasons.


1) He is correct in blaming lack of ambition in many young people. State education does not allow failure and teachers are actively discouraged from criticising pupils. Being repeatedly told how good your work is from the age of 5 is not likely to stoke the fires of great ambition. 


2) I'm not sure about us disliking material success in this country. There isn't much criticism of billionaires such as Richard Branson, Alan Sugar or Ken Morrison. It is however considered fine to say the most appalling things about the rich in general, without offering any justification or considering for a moment what would happen if they were not around to employ millions of people and pay a large proportion of the taxes that fund the NHS, State Education and the Benefits System.


3) Our ever increasing anti-risk, health and safety culture, along with the growing tax burden, endless new workplace regulations and our Government's willingness to go along with whatever crazy human right is dreamt up by some Brussels bureaucrat, does not exactly encourage the entrepreneur. Just try employing somebody or borrowing money in Britain.


4) Shouldn't Boris be doing something to help matters?


Right, now it's your turn. Where is our Mark Zuckerberg?

HMRC

The Inland Revenue, now known as Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs (HMRC) has got to be near the top of the pack when it comes to sheer utter uselessness.

If, say you earn a few pounds doing something else outside your main job then you must declare that income. Fair enough, but the procedure features that mind bogglingly unnecessary complexity that only a huge public sector body with no concern for time, results or value for money could come up with.

First of all you must find out your Unique Taxpayer Reference (UTR). Phoning the number given on HMRC website might seem like a good idea for the first 15 minutes or so whilst you listen to the irritating music occasionally interrupted by a voice telling you how they are receiving an unusually large number of calls at the moment (you will hear this claim whether you phone at 8 am or 3pm on June 5th or Jan 12th). When you do finally get through, you will be told that your UTR cannot be given over the phone (even if you know the answer to every possible security question about yourself), nor can it be emailed to you.

No, no Sir- the UTR must be sent to you by post and this will take up to ten working days! At this point you may be tempted to point out that Amazon could deliver you any one of 5 million items tomorrow if you asked them to, but remember you are not dealing with a private company concerned with their customers' satisfaction. HMRC staff know perfectly well that they will not go out of business no matter how badly they perform.

When your UTR arrives (and it really does take them a fortnight to get it to you), you will rush to your computer, with all the excitement and expectation of a child opening their Christmas presents. After you type it in, you will then be given a 12 digit  'User id' which you must note down as you will need it next time you log in.

(You may be tempted to complain that 12 digits could specify every person on Earth 10 times over, and you have just waited two weeks for your supposedly unique reference number, but don't spoil the moment. You are making good progress and will soon be declaring your hard earned pennies in order to pay your tax to enable some nice Afghan lady to live in a £3 million Kensington home.)

Oh dear! After entering your postcode, you will discover that you need an 'Activation Code' in order to progress further, which of course can only be sent to you in the mail and will take... etc. Now is the time to put your head in your hands and weep. (Don't worry, the nice Afghan lady should be ok).

HMRC is the same organisation that lost the records of 25 million people in 2007 and paid out over a billion pounds in tax credits by mistake. Who better to be put in charge of Customs and Excise with the duty of keeping our borders secure and preventing smuggling?

Horses, Nails and Hair

Well bang go my chances of improving myself with a GNVQ in nail painting. The news today is that schools will not be allowed to count these vocational courses as 4 GCSEs on their league tables any more.

This move is only about ten years overdue. Vocational qualifications should be recognised, (a plasterer has a set of valuable skills that I do not), but the desire to compare schools at a glance by over simplistic league tables results in every possible qualification being lumped in together.

Canny Heads immediately look for whatever course gives the most points for the least effort and before you knew it, every child ends up with a qualification to look after a horse.

I suppose you could say 'Hair today, gone tomorrow...'

Hotter Shoes

Hotter Venture

In November English shoe manufacturers Hotter sent me a pair of Venture shoes to review. Here's a picture of one so you can see what they look like.









I must confess that I'd never even heard of the company, but anyway here's what I think of their shoe.


The first thing that you notice is how light they are. They feel very soft around your feet and the sole has a bit of flex, so if you don't look down, you would think that you were wearing a pair of tennis or running shoes. As a male, I just want a pair of shoes that are comfortable, hard wearing and won't provoke widespread mirth when people see them.

Dog

The shoes are extremely comfortable to walk in and the Goretex liner keeps your feet dry in the rain whilst still allowing them to breathe. After 2 months they haven't got any marks on them despite regularly walking my dog through wet grass and muddy fields and paying shamefully little attention to cleaning them. The sole appears to be soundly attached to the uppers, unlike the previous shoes I had.




Hotter have clearly taken aspects of sports shoes, such as lightweight build, removable insoles, soft inner and cushioned sole and successfully incorporated them into a shoe that can be worn to work, in the pub or walking over rough ground and wet grass without any difficulty. They are made in the UK, currently cost £75 and to sum up- I would buy a pair.

Here's their website  http://www.hottershoes.com/
Oh and just so you know- they gave me a pair of shoes, but that's it. I'm not on commission.

Ofsted

Once again Ofsted plumbs new depths of lunacy, announcing today that the word 'satisfactory' will no longer be allowed as a grade.

It's always worrying when organisations ban words- I can still remember the Professional Association of Teachers debating whether to forbid use of the word 'failure' and replace it with 'deferred success'. Such ideas just make us seem ridiculous to outsiders.

In Ofsted's case, this distracts attention away from their main problem, which is that they are grading schools on criteria that are fashionable rather than useful to the children. I gave the example in my second book of how, if a teacher were watched a few days before their class sat an exam and they spent the lesson doing a past paper, then Ofsted would grade that teacher poorly, even though it would be by far the best way of spending the pupils' time.

Just ask the ten brightest kids what they think of the school and you would get a much more accurate answer and save lots of money.

Stargazing

Mrs C seems to have developed a remarkable interest in all things Astronomical recently, for reasons that escape me...

Teachers on the Radio

Why is it that whenever I hear a teacher being interviewed on the radio, they always manage to make us all sound like fools?

Maybe all the ones bright enough to string a coherent argument together are too busy teaching.

Getting rid of under-performing Teachers

Whilst I'm all in favour of getting rid of hopeless teachers, the problem we have is that teachers are being pressurised by their schools, their training and Ofsted themselves to adopt teaching methods that would be considered barking mad by any intelligent outsider.

Bright parents (and pupils) just laugh at nonsense such as 'peer reviews', 'question grading', 'market place activities' and all the other bizarre things that we are encouraged to waste the pupils' time with. However these practices get you lots of praise from those whom you must answer to, so what should a poor teacher do?

There is also a move to allow parents to come into lessons to see how the teacher performs. I think that many parents should be forced to attend school to see how poorly their own child behaves.

Hair Cutting Incident

Headline writers across America were jumping for joy last night as a man called Mullet denied involvement in a series of hair cutting incidents. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-16522281 Political correctness of course prevents the BBC from cashing in on this comedy bonanza.

Scroll down the article and gaze in awe at his extremely impressive beard. I love the fact that he can't be tagged because he doesn't have any electricity in his house.

If only he had fled the scene and provided the bonus line of Hair today, gone tomorrow...

Burwood School

I was about to write a post on the recent attack on two teachers at Burwood School in Orpington by a 10 year old boy.

Unfortunately for me however, the Autonomous News website has already done an excellent job, noting that as usual, the stories in the media are all copied and pasted mindlessly from the same source without any background research and how the BBC and the teachers' union rep tried to use the bogeyman of 'the cuts' to excuse it all. I'm amazed that nobody blamed the teachers for not entertaining the poor child sufficiently.

Here's a link to their article
http://autonomousmind.wordpress.com/2012/01/07/another-example-of-lazy-journalism-failing-the-public/

Strangely, the website of Burwood School (whose motto ironically is "Where everyone matters") makes no mention of the incident at all in its 'Latest News' section. http://www.burwood.bromley.sch.uk/p_Home.ikml

Tourette's

Until David Cameron's recent comment, I hadn't realised how big Tourette's Karaoke really is.

This chap's poignant and moving version of Chris de Burgh's 80's classic: Lady in Red is not suitable for minors or those easily offended.

http://www.touretteskaraoke.com/index.php/karaoke/25-karaoke/96-lady-in-red-chris-de-burgh

Thousands of pounds for Laptops

So schools are being charged thousands of pounds for laptops by rogue companies according to this article. I can't say I'm surprised, as con men will always look for an easy target. It does show the unforeseen dangers of giving schools more autonomy and moving them from under the LEA's protective umbrella and into the nasty real World.

You might think that whoever was in charge of procurement would bother to read the small print and perhaps show the contract to a solicitor if they didn't understand it.

What? You wouldn't think they would do that at all. Oh, ok then.

All readers should check to see if their local school has fallen victim to these disgraceful opportunistic companies who prey on the innocent. If they haven't, could you please forward their contact details to Chalk Enterprises' newly formed Laptop Leasing Department immediately.

Training Day

Happy New Year and commiserations to all those of you who will have your time wasted by the nonsense known as 'Training Day'.

I read the autobiography of Alan Sugar and the biography of Steve Jobs recently. The two men were both very successful in the same industry, but the contrast between them is immense. I suppose it shows that there is more than one formula for success.

Jobs was obsessed with trivial details such as the colour of the computer case and the type of screws used to hold his machines together, whereas Sugar focussed on getting every component for the cheapest possible price.

Steve Jobs paid a fortune to a design agency for his adverts, Alan Sugar did them himself. Jobs was a charismatic and brilliant presenter, whereas Sugar isn't. Apple products cost three times the equivalent PC price, Amstrads sold for a third. (I should say at this point that I've never used either brand of computer).

It strikes me that Steve Jobs' genius, was to persuade people to pay over the odds for fashion (just like North Face or White Stuff manage to do), whereas Alan Sugar's was to figure out how to make a product cheaper than anyone else.

Both are interesting books, but I can't claim that I would have liked to have spent much time with either of them unfortunately. Jobs comes across as rude, self-centred and constantly throwing a tantrum, Sugar just seems a bit dull.

Oh, you may have noticed from the box on the right hand side, that I have started using Twitter. I don't really understand it yet, but have just decided to give it a go for a few weeks and see if anyone wants to listen to my witterings.

The Joys of travelling by Train

The story of the man who threw a passenger off a train in Scotland gets more and more complex each day, so we must be careful to look at it from a totally unbiased viewpoint, without prejudice or pre-conceived ideas.

Basically last week, some drunken wretch started to get a bit gobby with the conductor and was thrown off by another passenger. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-tayside-central-16177725

Alan Pollock (who threw the passenger off the train) hasn't said anything to the press and has been charged with assault. Was he a good citizen or just a bully?

Sam Main (wretch) has not been charged and says that he was given the wrong ticket. He also (predictably) claims to have something wrong with him that makes him a complete pain in the backside). He has spoken to everyone who will listen to him, as has his father.

The conductor was completely useless and nobody wants to speak to him. He will no doubt be given counselling.

Mr Herris, a teacher filmed the incident and put the footage on Youtube. (I have no idea whether it's legal or not to post footage of people without their consent).

The moral seems to be- if you are ever involved in an incident, get on Facebook and form a support group, call a press conference and get a mark on your face, then you should be ok.

STOP PRESS: The Facebook page that supports the prosecution of Alan Pollock has about 35 members. The one that is against it has 963. I can't help but think that using the membership of Facebook pages to decide appropriate punishments rather than expensive judges and barristers would save the taxpayer a considerable amount.

Scandals etc

In order to increase viewing figures in the pre-Christmas book buying season, I have been advised to 'spice things up a bit' and run a few more racy articles. So here's what you can look forward to:

"My Booze Hell!" in which Frank battles the traffic on a desperate trip to Waitrose, hoping to snap up a box of six bottles of Prosecco that are on special offer. Roadworks, lack of parking and the self-service checkout compound his inner turmoil. In the follow-up article, provisionally entitled "My Drugs Shame", Frank describes his feelings of intense disappointment when, after walking through the wind and rain with a runny nose and a chesty cough, the local chemist has run out of Paracetamol.

"Chalk out of the closet!" The first in a series of DIY articles, where I demonstrate how to construct a built in wardrobe.

"Red Hot Action in Frank's Garage!" Basic soldering techniques explained.

Feel free to offer your own suggestions.

Hotmail Recovered

Those of you who were up all night worrying about my Hotmail can now rest easy. After a process so tedious and convoluted that only a large faceless organisation could come up with it, I have managed to get my account back.

The poster who pointed out that if you aren't paying then you are not really a customer in their eyes had it about right. (Although I don't know if their service is any better if you are paying). It is very easy to enthusiastically sign up for something, use it so much that it becomes essential and then when it crashes you are stuffed because you never asked yourself- "What happens when it goes wrong?"

I had a similar problem with Orange Broadband recently. I happily signed up to their cheap deal but the router didn't work properly and kept dropping the connection. When I tried to contact Orange, they put me through to technical support in Bombay (why do they call it Mumbai nowadays?) An Indian man who could only understand very basic English followed a script and drove me slowly up the wall. He cannot put you through to anybody in the UK and cannot help you either. Why should he care though- he is in Mumbai, he has told you that his name is "Kevin" and he knows that you will never get to speak to him again.

To cut a long and tedious story short, I was sent two more identical routers that dropped the connection equally regularly and reached about half of my house. I told them I wanted to move and was informed that I would have to pay a fee. I ignored this along with their subsequent demands and moved to Yorkshire based Plusnet. When I told their sales lady about my problems with Orange, she responded with "By 'eck!" and a couple of "tha"s, which I found most reassuring. I have been promised that I will never have to speak to anyone who does not know how to keep pigeons or make a strong cup of tea. Based on my experiences so far, I urge you to join me.

Hotmail Nightmare

My apologies to anyone who may have been sent spam from my hotmail account. This morning, when I tried to sign in, I was told that my account had been blocked and I needed to give my mobile phone number to receive a text message to reactivate it.

Now I'm not completely daft, so I smelt a scam. However after a bit of checking, it does appear to be a genuine request from Microsoft. Unfortunately several hours have now passed and no magic text message has arrived. I have repeated the process a couple of times but to no avail.

There is no email or phone number for Hotmail support. I selected the option to send a question to customer support, but when I tried to do this I was informed that I needed to login first. Hmm...

I was also invited to reset my password, but because I cannot remember which childhood friend I selected as 'best' or how I spelled their name, that option is now closed to me.

If anyone can help me, I would be grateful. I've had a good look on the internet for a solution, but there doesn't appear to be one. I seem to be one of about 20 million people locked out of their Hotmail account, so perhaps we should set up a Facebook group.

STOP PRESS I have now successfully changed my password. However it hasn't done me any good at all as my account is still blocked! I am beginning to suspect that 'Microsoft' and 'customer service' are words that are rarely uttered in the same sentence unless accompanied by other, less printable ones.

Exam Markers

Why on Earth anybody should be surprised at the recent news that the exam markers are telling the teachers what will be on the test along with the answers, is a mystery to me.

Ask yourself  "Why would they not do so."

The whole exam system is crazy. Exam boards need to sell their courses and therefore compete to have the easiest questions. Teachers are in turn put under pressure by their schools to give the kids ridiculous amounts of help in their 'controlled assessments' which were brought in a few years back to try and stop all the blatant cheating that went on with coursework.

It is in everybody's interest to cheat as much as possible and preferably more than the school next door. (Who said that competition has been removed from modern state schooling?) The Government can claim that exam results have gone up again, as can the Local Authority or Academy bosses. The Senior Management Team in each school are happy and of course the more a teacher cheats, the better their results become, which is hardly bad for them either. This is not news, it has been going on for ten years at least.

So who is supposed to be putting a stop to this? The watchdog Ofqual, a joke organisation who spent £3000 in 2008 paying consultants to look for alternatives to the word "error" because it was not considered positive enough.

Now you could argue that if everyone is cheating by roughly the same amount then it all evens out in the end and that nobody trusts GCSEs anyway, but I'm not sure if this is really the best principle to base our exam system on.

Jeremy Clarkson

With Christmas just around the corner, could somebody please accuse me of being "Worse than Jeremy Clarkson" as this always does wonders for book sales.

Thanks in advance
Frank

Exam Boards

Having more than one exam board results in competition, which is a good thing if you are buying computers, washing up liquid, or waterproof gloves; but a bad thing if you are buying GCSE courses because the only way the they can compete is by being easier than the opposition. This obviously results in a race to the bottom thus:

Salesman A:

"Our Science course is quite demanding and gets the kids a GCSE"

Salesman B:

"Our Science course is so easy that a performing chimp would scoff at its simplicity. In fact, last year one of the carrots from my garden achieved a GCSE grade "C" and would have gone on to take our 'A' Level had it not accidentally been eaten by Harry, our pet Labrador.

School:

"Great Salesman B, your course sounds ideal for our students. We'll take it."

This is why nobody outside schools has any faith whatsoever in the exam system any more.

European Union

So Nick Clegg thinks that we are in danger of being 'Isolated and marginalised' from the European Union. Well thank God for that. It's a bit like being told that you can't spend all your money on Woolworths gift vouchers.

The Madness of King George

You can now download a chapter from 'Education My Part in its Downfall' for a mere 86p here

As you might expect from the likes of me, it is a cheap Christmas gimmick to try and entice you into buying a copy of the full book, which is here. In case you didn't know, it's the sequel to the best seller 'It's Your Time You're Wasting'. (Which you may purchase here)

I have been asked by a few people (ok- one) about a paperback release date, but the truth is that I've no plans to do so, as Kindle sales for the first book are vastly outstripping those for the print edition now. I guess that's just the way things are going.

By the way, I would have given the chapter away for free, but Amazon will only allow large publishers to do that, presumably to avoid being overwhelmed by tat. It is therefore at the lowest price they will allow and probably delivers more amusement than 86p usually does.

Reviews:
'Buy it now, it's really good.'   F. Chalk

Internal Email

Thierry Breton who is boss of the large European IT company Atos, announced earlier this year that he planned to stop using internal emails in his company.

He realised that the young people he was recruiting had moved on to using social networking sites and instant messaging. When asked, they thought that only 15% of the email they received was of any use, but had to check it all for fear of missing something.

I think he's on to something here. Email has become a monster, enabling people to bombard you with rubbish that is rarely of relevance. Too often it is a replacement for action, where sending someone an email is considered a solution in itself, rather than actually fixing a problem. It is a permanent record and easily forwarded to others, so you have to watch what you say, which for people like me is a nightmare.

It will be very interesting to see what system they come up with to use instead.

1 in 3 Children Without Books

The National Literacy Trust has done a survey of 18000 schoolchildren and discovered that 1 in 3 do not have any books of their own.

No doubt some will blame this on poverty, but I suspect that if the survey had also asked whether they owned any DVDs or computer games, it would have made an even better headline.

Now I can't find the comparable rates for other countries, but it's still pretty shocking stuff.

After watching 'Landlords from Hell' tonight on Channel 4, I'm sure I can't have been the only one to think:

"That looks just like the house I lived in when I was a student!"

Panorama

Panorama reveals tonight how supermarkets take advantage of shoppers who can't do simple sums. My favourite is the offer of two bottles of juice for £2. You can probably guess how much one costs.

The moral- primary schools should teach mental arithmetic properly, with the same regular tests that I had as a kid. Oh hang on, that's not allowed any more because of the danger that a child's self esteem might be lowered, or they might not feel 'positively empowered' or some other equally awful scenario might occur.

Feel free to post your photos of such 'special offers'

More Ranting at The Times

This week's Sunday Times Page 5 has an article about an attempt to break the unpowered water speed record.

"Carbon fibre wing sail amplifies wind, making boat travel faster than the wind speed".

If anybody can be bothered to write to the Times explaining how boats with sails made out of my old tee shirts can also travel faster than the wind, then feel free to do so. (Why not ask them if they would pay you to review their Science Articles as well?)

Katherine Goldberg

Katherine Goldberg has been charged with sexual assault and fined £1500 with 80 hours of community service for groping a male air steward.

Where did she touch him?

On the South Africa to London night flight. You can read more about it here

Now these 'usually the other way round' type stories are always popular in the press and generally trigger loads of comments such as:

"She should be jailed. If she'd been a man, she er- he would have been sent down for years etc"

The trouble is, it isn't the same. It might not be PC to say it but it is true. When a man gropes a woman, it must often seem threatening and frightening  to her because of his greater physical strength and the unconscious worry of what he could do to her if she resists his advances. It's right that this should be punished by the law. 

However, a woman groping a man is simply not a physical threat. 

All I can say is that if I'd been the steward I would have been straight under the complimentary flight blanket and sod all the miserable passengers pressing their buzzers to pester me for another cushion or a glass of water for their screaming brat.

Oh and 'Alcohol induced illusion' is definitely an excuse to remember.

Strike

Well lots of schools and hospitals will be closed on Wednesday and our borders will be even less secure than usual. (Although it's hard to imagine how). Battle lines appear to be drawn.

Public sector viewpoint: "It's not fair- they are changing our terms and conditions and taking money away from us."

Private sector viewpoint: "I'd give my right arm for that pension deal they're rejecting"

There will probably be some mention of "bankers", "bailouts" and possibly even Mrs Thatcher.

The Sunday Times

Last week in the Sunday Times there was an article on page 19 which discusses the concept of a 'Space Elevator', which "could use gravity to hold it in orbit".

Well thank God they don't waste money on a Science Editor.

Youth Unemployment

The Government today announced a £1 billion package to help reduce unemployment in the 16-24 age range, which is generally seen as a consequence of the recession.

Whilst the economy was growing strongly between 2001 and 2007, what do you think happened to the unemployment figure for this age group?

It rose by 200 000.

It isn't just recession that puts employers off taking on young British workers. It's the huge amount of hassle involved in employing them. The red tape and bureaucratic nightmare of employment laws introduced over the last 15 years, combined with a growing feeling amongst employers that too many of our school leavers have simply not been prepared for the world of work.

Neither our present Government nor the previous one is likely to admit this however.

Don't do it.

I would just like to warn readers who may be considering injecting cement into their buttocks that it is probably not such a good idea.

Talking Plate

The NHS, like the rest of the Public Sector, is perfectly happy to cut important services, whilst throwing away money on any nonsense daft enough to entertain senior managers over morning coffee.

Here's the latest example- a talking plate which, for a mere £1500 it will tell chubbers to stop eating so fast.

Great. Those of you who might require Physio for a bad back will just have to wait another month.

I contacted the NHS offering to record a tape of my own cheery admonishments such as: "Step away from the plate"  and  "Slow down you fat lump, it'll still be there in a few moments time!" which could be played as background music at mealtimes for about £1495 less, but I only received an 'out of office'  reply saying that their working hours were 9.30 am to 2.30pm. (It was just before Noon at the time.)

Prince Henry's School Strike

Have corrected the embarrassing oceans mix up in the previous post, which lends weight to the theory that if I hadn't been in charge of the navigation, they would have had it wrapped up by mid September.

Anyway, up in Otley, staff at Prince Henry's School are on strike because their school is converting to an academy. The teachers are concerned that their pay and conditions might change, whereas Janet Sheriff the Head, says that they have no need to worry and the school has absolutely no intention of changing them.

Now in my experience words don't mean a great deal, so if Ms Sheriff is telling the truth then why not put this in writing and offer the teachers a contract, worded along the lines of: 

"We, the body tasked to run Prince Henry's Academy, undertake always to employ teachers under the same pay and conditions as Leeds City Council do. We further undertake not to pass control of the academy to any group not honouring the above guarantee"

Right, that's that sorted out, so you can all move away from the charcoal brassieres and get back to work.

(By the way, you might wish to get a solicitor to draw up that contract as my legal abilities are on a par with my knowledge of Geography). Oh and if any reader has contacts at the school, perhaps they could pass on this suggestion to Ms Sheriff- her reply would be interesting...

Back in the UK

Well, I'm back in the UK, driving Mrs C up the wall by going on about how great America is etc and moaning about the British weather. Basically it was an amazing event- Chris and Steve ran 3100 miles from San Francisco to New York in 79 days. That's about it really.

They began here in San Francisco, running out of the Pacific at 5pm on August 17th...

And finished here at 6pm on November 5th with a dip in the Atlantic off Coney Island, New York

Chris' wife Julia and I did all the logistics- making sure the backup vehicle was always where it should be, booking motels, buying food, guiding them on the tricky bits of the route, organising interviews and basically making sure that all they had to do was run. (They had it easy if you ask me).

I also did most of their blog here (which enabled me to avoid being in any of the photos).

More than any other picture, the one below (taken in Nevada on Highway 6 between Tonopah and Ely) sums up the whole escapade best in my opinion. It's first thing in the morning on a stretch of road that continues for 160 miles with no shops, garages, towns, farms or rivers. Both of them know perfectly well that the desert scenery will look exactly the same in 10 hours time when they finish the day. The only difference will be that their shadows will point in the opposite direction and they will be extremely hot, tired, thirsty and sore. They will also be well aware that they have to do it all again tomorrow.

The whole event was about overcoming adversity and these two encountered the lot- heat, altitude, humidity, cold, rain and sleet. Not all on the same day though- wimps.

Run Across America

Well here's the good news- I won't be posting on this blog until mid November.

Now that the cheering has finally died down, I'll explain why.

It's because I'm in America helping out fellow Monday Books author and all round good-guy Steve Pope, in his attempt to run 3000 miles across the USA from San Francisco to New York with fellow ultra runner Chris Finill.

'Barking mad!' I hear you say. Well maybe, but I've got a soft spot in my normally cold heart for ventures like this, so I am driving their backup van, sorting out press and TV coverage, organising the maps, washing their socks and 1001 other things.

I'm also doing a blog on the event over at http://verylongrun.blogspot.com/ which is excellent and have organised their website at http://runacrossamerica.co.uk/ It tells you about them, explains what they are doing and why. You can also join their facebook group here if you like.

They are hoping to raise £100 000 for the charity 'Help for Heroes' (donations can be made here)

Income Protection Insurance

Teachers, Surgeons and Investment Bankers.

This post is sponsored by Endsleigh.

When it comes to income protection insurance, some teachers may have found they are classed in the same risk bracket for stress as surgeons, investment bankers and sales managers.

Unsurprisingly the subsequent cost of this attitude by income protection insurers towards the teaching profession is quite considerable often leading to restricted levels of cover or increased premiums.

Fortunately though there are insurers on the market who do not take this stance and understand that extra pressure at work doesn’t mean you won’t be able to do your job.

The last thing teaching professionals want is to leave themselves exposed to financial worries should illness or injury prevent them from working. Income protection insurance will ensure that once the employer’s sick pay ceases, teachers continue to receive an income until they are well enough to return to work.

There are a number of income protection products on the market which will only pay out if you are unable to do any job at all. This could mean that if you are unable to continue teaching due to an illness or injury, such policies may not pay out.  Therefore, you may have to take a job you otherwise wouldn’t have wanted to, for example, working in a less active role, perhaps in a shop behind the till.  There are providers however who will pay out for as long as you are unable to do your work as a teacher. They won’t expect you to work in a role you are over qualified for.

If you are off long term sick and your employer’s sick pay comes to an end, you would need provisions in place to maintain your current standard of living and meet your regular monthly outgoings such as mortgage payments and utility bills.

Without financial support people often turn to their savings, take a different, less qualified role or return to work before they are ready. Unfortunately current state benefits provide little comfort when facing the prospect of long term sickness. This is particularly important for supply teachers who generally receive no sick pay benefits from their employers.  A good income protection policy will allow you to fully recover before returning to work – a benefit both to you and to the children you teach!  Some policies even offer rehabilitation benefit which allows you to return to work in a reduced capacity for a period of time whilst you are recuperating, but still ensuring that your full benefit continues to be paid. 

The flexibility income protection insurance affords, allows you to tailor the policy to your exact needs, taking into account any existing benefits, your planned retirement age and how much income you need each month.  This allows you to make sure that the cover is as cost effective as possible.

How does income protection support you?

·       Regular tax free replacement income up to 70% of current salary if you are unable to work as a teacher.

·       A waiting period enables you to choose when you would need your replacement income be it straight away or when your employer’s sick pay benefits cease.

·       Financial support is still available if you return to work part time or to a lower paid role.

·       Amend your policy to suit your lifestyle. Increase or decrease you cover or waiting period.

·       Choose how long you want your income protection insurance policy to support you, 10 years, 20 years or until your retirement date.

·       Spend your monthly benefits how you choose. Use them to meet your mortgage payments, rent or other monthly outgoings. 

Inspector Gadget

For a first hand view of the difficulties and frustrations that the police face in dealing with wretches up and down the country ( ie exactly the same problems we have in teaching), have a read of Gadget's blog at http://inspectorgadget.wordpress.com/

More Riots

Radio,TV and newspapers are asking the question "Why?" with regard to these riots. The allowed responses include 'poverty' (whilst we try not to notice the expensive designer trainers and outfits sported by the protagonists), or how lack of opportunity is to blame (are we really supposed to think that there are less opportunities for young people than in say 1931?). There will be talk of 'communities retaking the streets' (to explain why most of the rioters seem to be black) and how it was the fault of the police over reacting or under reacting, or shooting an armed and dangerous criminal. Invariably someone will say how there is nothing to do (when there is more free entertainment available than in any time in history).

The answer is simple- people loot shops, set fire to cars and cause general mayhem because it is great fun and you are very unlikely to receive any real punishment for doing so. I don't reckon you will hear that argument in the media though.

Riots

So as the low life run amok in London, Birmingham and anywhere else where there might be the chance of nicking something, Theresa May has announced that:


"Those responsible for violence and looting in London over the last three days will be brought to justice!"


'Justice' no doubt consisting of cautions, community service and for the worst cases- short jail sentences of which one quarter must be served.


One year to go before the Olympic Games and we are in danger of becoming a laughing stock.

Pensions and life expectancy

The argument for raising teachers' pension contributions is simply that people are living longer. How do we know this?

Presumably we can look at the ages that people die at, which will tell us that those who were born roughly 60-100 years ago are indeed living longer. We could look at past data and see that the average age at death is rising at x years per decade, then use this trend to predict that by 2035 the average person will live to 103 (say).

This sort of prediction does remind me a bit of my own forecast in April this year, when after a careful analysis of the last fortnight's weather data I announced:

"Goodness, the weather's getting warmer and warmer- by Christmas it will be absolutely roasting!"

Leaving

Four of the 8 teachers who left my old school last week were not retiring, nor were they moving to other teaching jobs. No, in the middle of the worst recession for decades, they were leaving safe secure positions to look for other careers.

All four of them had degrees in real subjects from sensible universities. This says more about the dire state of comprehensive teaching than my puny efforts ever could.

Jim Devine Released

On May 26th MP David Chaytor was released after serving four and a half months of his 18 month sentence for fiddling his expenses. Today Jim Devine was released after just 4 months of his 16 month stretch for the same offence.

So you now get out after just one quarter of your sentence- that really sends out a stern message to budding criminals. Still it keeps the statistics down which is all that really matters.

Is it just me who thinks that a 16 month sentence should mean er... 16 months?

Learning Through Play

Some friends of mine whose child starts school this September, recalled the moment they decided to opt out of state education. They have instead chosen to spend a large amount of money that they can't really afford and will involve them making some real sacrifices.

They were being given a tour round a primary school and the teacher proudly indicated the complete absence of desks. She then enthusiastically announced that all learning was done 'through play' and every child would learn at their own pace, without any pressure. 'Happy children' was their goal.

My friends' hearts sank as they realised they were listening to an imbecile. Unfortunately this was their third and final possible school and they had heard very similar words twice before. (Peppered with phrases such as 'Child-centric', 'non-divisive', 'unpressured learning environment', 'happiness-focussed', understanding the individual', 'emphasising creativity and self expression' etc until they were about to scream).

They are intelligent people and realise that their child would probably thoroughly enjoy his time at any of the three schools. However they also realise that unfortunately, all children learn to do through play is, funnily enough- to play.

Whickham School

The row over Academies continues with staff walking out at Whickham School, Tyneside over plans to turn it into one.

Academies and 'Free Schools' along with the changes to Teachers' Pensions will provide me with plenty of material over the next school year. However, with five different teaching unions all having their own agendas, motivations and views, there is no chance whatsoever of defeating any of these proposals.

Vocational Qualifications no longer in League Tables

The Government has just announced that vocational qualifications are no longer going to be counted in the League Tables.

This is terrible news. Without Hair and Beauty, Travel and Tourism and Generally mucking About, how on Earth are schools like mine going to fool decent, honest parents into believing that we are just as good as the one down the road that spends all day teaching fuddy-duddy old subjects like 'Maths'.

The truth of course is that we shouldn't be competing at all. Schools like ours should be allowed to teach an entirely vocational timetable along with basic Maths and English (which is more than we teach them at the moment). We could also try and give the pupils a few other useful skills such as timekeeping, perseverance, motivation, money management, debt avoidance, basic cooking and how to avoid being taken in by advertising.

The academic kids should be sent to academic schools and be taught by academic teachers.

The Apprentice

Best Choice. You can find dozens of copies of all the others in any large company. Tom was the only one with a good brain and a bit about him as well.

It Lives!

Hoorah! A cryogenic catastrophe has been averted.

As to why it has started working again... well I'm afraid that my inquisitiveness will be taking a back seat for a while. (And Mrs C need never know of my foolishness)

Thanks for the helpful suggestions. Have a nice weekend.

The King's Speech

As a result of a slight mix up when I was rushing to unload various food purchases yesterday, I can now confirm that leaving a rental DVD in the freezer for 6 hours does it no harm whatsoever.

Emboldened by this discovery and displaying the inquisitiveness and spirit of adventure that took Leif Erikson to America, Shackleton to the Antarctic and NASA to the Moon, I conducted several further experiments, with the result that I now have to report that a USB stick belonging to Mrs C no longer seems to work after spending just two hours at minus 18 degrees.

As my traditional excuse of "It just seemed like a good idea at the time" is unlikely to save me, does anybody know if the silicon situation is likely to improve before six pm, whether any remedial action is possible, or should I simply book a one way ticket to South America?

La Marmotte

Regular readers will recall that around this time of year, I usually post something about the Etape du Tour, an annual bike race held over one of the mountain stages of the Tour de France.

This year for a change I rode the Marmotte, which is a fixed course of 108 miles in the French Alps, which starts in the village of Bourg d' Oisans (at the bottom of the road up to the ski resort of Alpe d' Huez), taking in such delights as the Glandon, Telegraphe, Galabier and just when your legs can take no more; the 21 hairpins of the Alpe, which has featured in more Tour de France finishes than any other climb.

It's a fantastic race with over 7000 riders. If you are British, then rest assured that in the interests of fair play the French organisers will give you a start number which places you at the back. Don't worry however as it is chip timed from the moment you roll over the start line (about 20 minutes after the leaders)

Obviously being a Brit, I hadn't read any of the race instructions, so the whole event was a voyage of discovery. Fistly I stayed at the top of the mountain in Alpe d'Huez and almost froze to death on the 6.30 am descent to the start at Bourg. (Foreign riders wear a smart jacket for this bit and later hand it to their supporters- Brits should wear an old jumper under a bin bag that can be chucked away). The next thing I learnt (and almost the last) was made about fifteen minutes into the race, when I realised that unlike in the Etape, they don't close the roads to traffic.

It wasn't long before the sun was beating down however and the scenery is absolutely stunning. The descent after the first climb up the Glandon is not timed in order to discourage racing on that stretch. (I was immensely disappointed when I was told about this during the evening celebrations afterwards because I had been under the impression that my descending had improved remarkably as I overtook hundreds of other riders on this stretch who all seemed strangely over-cautious).

The Telegraphe and Galabier are a long slog but the descent goes on for about 20 miles or more and is very fast and exhilarating. Keep your wits about you as some of the bends are quite tight. There are also three or four tunnels which are a little bit scary, but just stay calm and don't forget to whip off your sunglasses and hold them in your front teeth so you can keep both hands on the bars. Dropping your sunnies in a tunnel would be unfortunate, but not half as bad as wearing them in there. (There may well have been something in the race instructions about this also).

I carried 8 assorted energy bars in one pocket which I had unwrapped the night before in order to save time and reduce litter (unlike the Dutch riders, who just throw it anywhere). I simply pulled off a small piece of the resulting congealed mass and stuffed it into my mouth every 15 minutes or so. (At one point I did wonder why there was a peanut in one bite before realising that I had just dislodged and swallowed a bit of a molar). I also carried a ham sandwich in my other pocket as it stops you getting sick of sweet tasting things. I never stopped at any of the well stocked but chaotic food stations, just quickly filled my water bottles and left, as you can waste hours at those places.

These measures made up for my lack of cycling ability and I got round the course shattered, but unlike many poor souls that I saw pushing their machines up Alpe d' Huez; still on my bike. My final discovery (that staying up at the top in Alpe is actually the best option) was brought home to me very clearly when I saw a rider being loaded into the ambulance after crashing on the descent back to Bourg. He had already finished the race and was just going home.

Hope he was ok and well done to all the Brits who went out there. The ones I met were a great crowd.

The Apprentice

Along with the Tour de France coverage, The Apprentice is about the only telly I watch at the moment. Was Sugar right to chuck out Natasha last night or should Jim have gone for messing up the project he led?

Why didn't they ridicule the Pie Group a bit more for thinking Christopher Columbus was British?

Primary School pupils not being stretched

'Estyn' is the Welsh education watchdog. They have concluded that the most 'able and talented' pupils in Welsh Primary schools are not being stretched enough.

Well firstly, I have no idea what the real difference between 'able' and 'talented' is and secondly- it's exactly the same in England. We let down the brightest and dimmest kids, then carry on doing the same in Secondary School.

Teachers' Pensions Strike

There may or may not be huge disruption in Britain's schools tomorrow, but the fundamental question remains the same:

How much should the taxpayer have to pay to fund teachers' pensions?

The answer is either:

a) The same as they do now, gradually increasing each year as we all live longer and more therefore claim more years of pension. This is fair because it is part of a teacher's remuneration for a job that has become far harder in recent years due to increased workload and ever increasing numbers of badly behaved pupils.

or

b) Less than they do now, but still gradually rising year on year as we live longer. This is fair because people in the private sector are not allowed pensions with such generous taxpayer funding and teachers' pay has increased substantially in recent years.

a) or b) What do you reckon?

The Chalk Diet

If you drink a litre of cold water each day (say 2 almost full pint glasses), then your body expends energy to raise the temperature of this liquid to 37 degrees centigrade. 1 Calorie is the amount of energy required to raise a litre of water by 1 degree, so if we assume that tap water is at 8 degrees (as a year round average) then (37-8) = 29 calories of energy will be used by your body each day or 10585 calories in a year. (Purists please forgive me here- I know there are two different units called the calorie, but I'm using the same one throughout to keep things simple).

A gramme of fat gives up 9 calories when burnt, so you can lose 1.176 kilogrammes per year. This might not sound much, but think of it as just under two stones per decade.

Alternatively you could eat an extra 21 Big Macs every year without a second thought.

Sales of Gadgets Down

Argos has reported that sales of electronic gadgets are down 20%. Comet and Dixons are likely to issue similar figures. Have we finally come to our senses and realised that purchasing these shiny things does not instantly transform us into the happy, confident, good looking people shown on the adverts?

Or are we simply having to save more for our annual summer holiday instead?

University of Wales

Britain's Universities have a very high reputation overseas (presumably because when Johnny Foreigner thinks about them, he has the dreaming spires of Oxford and Cambridge in mind, rather than some of the comedy institutions recently set up.)

However if we follow the University of Wales' lead and keep on 'externally validating' degrees from Bible Colleges and Bangkok Massage Parlours, then our image will change from Rolls Royce to Austin Allegro faster than you can say 'Simon Le Bon'.

I love the bit in the BBC article where the bloke from the University of Wales who was sent out to Bangkok to have a look around, says he can't even remember being there! It certainly is an amazing city.

It makes you wonder how many other dubious institutions are having their 'Degrees' approved by British Unis. I might make an FOI request for a list... (or better still, set up a college somewhere exotic).

Crime Rates Fall?

The FBI claim that crime rates in America have been falling for the last 20 years and current rates of robbery and murder are less than half of what they were back then. British figures also show a drop in crime over the same period.

There are many explanations for this and none is universally accepted. Here are a few:

1) The figures are massaged by the Government, ie a burglar breaks into 8 flats in a block or vandalises 15 cars parked in a line and it is reported as one single crime. Offences can also be reclassified, resulting in a drop in certain ones, which can then be applauded.

2) Better policing through increased computerisation, for example constantly updated databases showing which areas of a city currently have high levels of crime leads to more efficient patrolling.

3) Personal wealth has steadily increased on average whilst material possessions are cheaper than ever before. Combine this with the increased difficulty in selling stolen ones due to more common use of security measures such as password protection and invisible marking, along with more easily available credit. It has simply become easier to wave a credit card to buy a shiny gadget than to mug someone.

4) Both Britain and the US have more criminals behind bars than ever before. If they are in jail then they can't commit crimes.

5) New technology such as DNA databases and CCTV along with a general improvement in forensic techniques.

6) Crime rates simply follow a cyclical pattern pretty much like the economy does. When crime is high and we hear about it on the news every night, the general population become more vigilant and take more care to secure their property and possessions, leading to a drop. Then when crime becomes much rarer and we keep hearing that rates are low then we become careless and it starts to rise again.

7) People have more cheap entertainment to occupy themselves. Maybe potential criminals are too busy playing computer games or babbling on Facebook. Why steal a car when you can play Grand Theft Auto?

8) The increasingly short attention span of modern youth means that young muggers are simply not prepared to put in the necessary hours hanging about the streets waiting for a potential victim. Kids nowadays are used to central heating and do not cope well with the cold and wet conditions that are part and parcel of the street hood's life. The declining physical fitness of the young may also prevent them from running away if pursued by an angry OAP.

There's loads of other explanations and you should feel free to add your own.

Greece

George Osborne, do you hear me? Make sure you have cut every financial tie that could possibly bind us to Greece. The place is just a hot version of Scotland and will never be more than a plate's throw from bankruptcy. Frankly, you'd be better off sending all our bank details to Nigeria.

If there are still 17 members of the Eurozone by the end of the year then I will eat my new telephone.

US Visa and Mobile Phone

In the past few days I have seen my phone run over by a truck and successfully applied for an ESTA (Electronic System for Travel Arrangements) visa which you need to travel to the USA.

Having my phone squashed brought home to me how dependant we have all become on these little devices, bearing in mind that fifteen years ago nobody had one. I am ashamed to say that I was in quite a panic and did not experience a feeling of liberation that nobody could phone me up to complain about Chalk Services Inc. I suppose we forget that the downside of having such a useful gadget is the nightmare when it is taken away from us. It did disturb me how worried I became thinking that perhaps somebody was trying to contact me about some important matter.

It was entirely my own fault; I was standing in a garage forecourt blathering happily to a friend and noticed the petrol delivery tanker was arriving. We picked up our bags and moved away but I somehow dropped my phone in the process and only noticed when I heard a crackling sound from the vehicle's front tyre as it passed us. The driver then refused to move forward slightly so that I could recover the remains to see if the SIM card and any memory chips were still intact, so I had to wait until he had finished his business before scooping up my electronic pizza into a borrowed plastic bag much to the amusement of the garage staff.

I phoned up Orange (from another phone rather than my comically flat one) and was offered a replacement at only twice the price that they can be purchased from Ebay. I was also told by the customer services lady that I could leave my contract for an even more outrageous sum before being offered the chance to buy phone insurance at a discount! I could't resist pointing out that it ought to be discounted, as my phone probably wasn't worth much, being currently one foot square and one millimetre thick.

As far as the ESTA was concerned, I have to admit that I did pause for a while before ticking the box to claim that I had not engaged in 'moral turpitude' but had no hesitation in denying any involvement in the Nazi Party between 1933 and 1945. I paid the $14 fee reluctantly, but was cheered to later discover that $10 of this goes towards a fund to promote tourism to the US. I'm sure that I can't be the first person to wonder whether they could do a better job of encouraging it simply by not charging me to go there.

Still at least they take their Border Security a bit more seriously than we do.

Teachers' Pensions

The Government is proposing to increase the amount teachers pay into their pensions from 6.4% to 9.8% of their salary. The age from which this pension can be claimed (retirement age) will also go up.

The arguments for and against these changes run something like this:

FOR

1) People are living longer and therefore get to claim more years of their pension. (I believe that in 1980 the average teacher only lived long enough to claim 4.7 years). This rising cost can either be funded by increasing the contributions made by working teachers or we pay the increased cost out of general taxation.  Such a move would not be popular with the average worker.

2) Public Sector Pensions give a much better return per pound paid in than those available to the private sector. Why should this unfair advantage exist?

AGAINST

1) Teachers' pensions have always been in recompense for being paid less than their private sector equivalents.

That's the gist of it. Ignore all the political stuff that always gets dragged into these arguments, ie:

"The last Government massively overspent!"
"David Cameron hates the public sector!"
"Something about the bankers and/or Mrs Thatcher!"

We have a simple choice. Either accept the changes or go on strike. If we take the first option then we lose out financially and the second will alienate the general public and we will possibly lose in the end anyway.

Actually there is a third option. We could examine our contracts of employment a bit more carefully and stop doing all the extra unpaid stuff, such as the endless preparation and bizarre marking schemes. Whilst we're at it, let's have a mass boycott of Ofsted inspections. Maybe we could then try and negotiate a compromise deal.

It might work or it might not, but I think it would have more chance than a simple strike.